There is a language beyond words. There is understanding beyond concepts. There are feelings beyond touch.
There is a beauty that can’t be seen with our eyes and sounds that cannot be grasped by our ears.
Come, hold on
After spending 560 days away from home and taking the chance to dig deep into my physical and mental health, I realized something.
Especially the last 3 months, staying in a beautiful house in Chiang Mai where I came to life again, have taught me so many things about myself, and the relationships I have with the people in my life.
Today I came across a quote that sums it up just perfectly:
„What you meet in another being, is the projection of your own level of evolution.“
This couldn’t be more accurate. I do believe that every being on this planet I meet, is here to teach me something.
In my case though, I didn’t make it easy for either me to learn and grow, nor for the other person showing up as my ‚teacher‘, cause I was stuck in so many old belief systems that made me go through the same stuff over and over again.
But I guess, well in hindsight (isn’t it lovely how most things are awesome and make sense when looking back?) this was exactly the process I had to go through. Over and over again.
Until I was ready to really let go of all the concepts and taught beliefs, I was caught up in deep emotional pain.
It was as if I was constantly banging a hammer on my thumb, noticing the pain, but being too blind to see that I can just stop hitting my thumb again and again.
I know that a part of me wanted to make it stop, but honestly though, there was this stubborn, and obviously hurt part in me that kinda liked to wallow itself in self-pity and pain (without me really noticing what I am actually doing on repeat).
And this my friends, this is the one and kinda the only real reason why it took me my whole damn 20s to get to where I am now.
Because that part of me that was in constant victim mode and liked the attention it was getting from being sick, or in pain, or hurt, that part was sitting in the driver’s seat and maneuvered me through life.
Needless to say, we crashed like a million times.
But since there is hardly any learning without failing, I’m glad it turned out that way. It shook me awake so many times until I realized that I’m repeating the same shit over and over again. Why? Because I was afraid to be seen and because I was afraid to go through the painful process of opening myself to whatever there is. And moreover, because I was afraid of judgment (especially the judgment I put on myself).
So yeah, I guess I needed almost 30 years to really and fully comprehend that if I ever wanted to be in a state of harmony with myself and my emotions, if I ever wanted to live a truly free life, then I had to let go of what I thought was my safety net.
Come, let go
With the help of the people around me and my will to finally step out of my victimhood, my struggles, my pain body, the beast that seemed to have controlled my every move for so long, I was able to let go. To surrender.
Meeting people who practice what my soul was searching for, for so long, brought up softer parts of my being. The parts that were too afraid to be judged by, but had been there all along.
The process of letting go is ongoing, but for now, the most important things I needed to set free, were these:
I let go of the concepts that no longer suit me, about others and myself.
I let go of the idea to do it all on my own.
I let go of the idea that I’d be weak if I needed help.
I let go of the grudge I held against people and actions I was deeply hurt by.
I let go of my bruised ego that wanted to say „no“ to protect itself from shame and vulnerability.
I gave up the notion of thinking I have to be THIS or THAT to be good, or worthy.
I gave up on the thought that I can’t, and never will.
Now, I’m up for the challenge.
I changed my NO into a brave YES (even though I’m afraid sometimes)
I changed my CAN’T into: I’ll do what it takes to make it a CAN
Instead of concepts and taught beliefs, I stay OPEN to what is really there
Instead of rejecting help, I smile and say THANK YOU
Instead of holding a grudge, I found PEACE in forgiveness
I practice self LOVE & gratitude because I am always worthy
I opened my heart
To life and the possibilities within. To my own strengths, to health and to love.
I set boundaries when I need them, to protect myself, and to be honest with the people I meet.
I no longer need to „play it safe“, cause there is hardly any growth there.
I take risks and jump and feel and love with all that I am, and I learn to communicate my needs to the people around me.
This has set me free in ways I never thought possible and it has brought moments and possibilities into my life that I wasn’t even brave enough to dream about. Moreover, it brought me together with people that have touched my soul so deeply.
Of course, all of that didn’t happen within a day, and it’s still an everyday learning. But as soon as I decided to step out of my pain, it got easier and easier.
„You will get to a point in your growth where you understand that if you protect yourself, you’ll never be free.“ (Michael A. Singer)
Feel free to share the Love ♥︎